Early in a relationship, your sex life is a pumpkin spice latte: indulgent, with plenty of spice—and maybe even a little whipped cream. But as the years go by, that latte almost inevitably becomes black coffee: plain and totally routine. “Boring sex unfolds naturally in long-term relationships, because we all do what works,” says Marianne Brandon, PhD, author of Monogamy: The Untold Story. “Then we just keep repeating what works until it becomes a rut. “Although you can’t rewind the clock—or magically transform your partner into someone new—you can reclaim the sexual energy you once shared. Here’s how. The problem: You only have sex in missionary position. There’s no denying it: Missionary position is easy. You don’t have to contort your body in crazy ways—or heck, even move that much. Which may explain why it becomes a go-to position as the sexual fire starts fading. “People become more efficient in their sexual activity,” says Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, PhD, an assistant professor in the Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University. “They engage in basic missionary sex, they’re done in a few minutes, and they can go on to do their laundry.” But it signals that sex has become solely about getting off—not connecting with each other, says DeAnna Lorraine, a dating and relationship coach in Los Angeles. The solution: You don’t have to go from zero to reverse cowgirl. Instead, take missionary to new places: a tabletop or the kitchen counter, for example, suggests Lorraine. Or tweak the position by throwing one leg over your partner’s shoulder, wrapping your legs around his back, or, if you’re really adventurous, having him tie your wrists to the bedpost while he does his thing. “Anything different from the norm creates extra stimulation in the brain,” Lorraine says. “And that elevates the excitement of sex.” MORE: 40 Things You Should Know About Sex By Age 40 The problem: Oral sex is totally off the menu. Laziness is probably part of the problem. But the absence of oral can reflect another common problem: “Couples just want to go straight to the end result: orgasm,” says Lorraine. Or as Pillai-Friedman puts it, “When we have a goal, we want to get to the goal as fast as possible.” Read: As long as intercourse is the final destination, you’re going to race to that invisible finish line—and all the fun stuff that should happen along the way becomes optional. The solution: One or two nights a month, take intercourse off the table—and no, we don’t mean getting busy on the floor. “Have designated nights where you focus on pleasing each other without sex,” Lorraine suggests. That way, there’s no pressure to move on to the main event, which may help you relax when you’re receiving—and not worry so much about whether you’re taking too long to climax. If you’re a little skeezed about by below-the-belt tongue action, try initiating oral in the shower, so you both feel fresh and clean, says Brandon. The problem: You have sex with the lights off—every sinlge time.Media Platforms Design Team Photo by Vasabii/Getty Images No one likes to hook up under the glare of fluorescent lights, but in total darkness? For many, flipping the switch may be a way to avoid feeling self-conscious about their bodies. But that effectively kills your chance to lock eyes and connect. The solution: Keep the overhead lights off, and break out the matches. The glow of candles will let you see each other without making you feel totally exposed. Plus, “we all look better in candlelight,” adds Brandon. Other options: Install a dimmer switch on your ceiling light, so you can ease into lights-on sex. Or switch on the light in an adjacent bathroom or hallway, suggests Lorraine. The problem: You go to bed at different times. Chances are, when you first got married you and your man crawled between the sheets at the same time every night—often with the intent of hooking up. “After that honeymoon phase wears off, you go back to doing your own thing,” says Lorraine. “It starts becoming a habit to go to bed at different times.” Suddenly, catching up on your Netflix queue can become a higher priority than snuggling. The solution: You could, of course, just adjust your bedtime to match his. But there’s a more fun way to sync your schedules: Share your Google calendars with each other and look for time during the week when you can sneak in a quickie, suggests Lorraine. If the idea of showing up at his office for a surprise romp is too intimidating (or just not realistic), try sending him a meeting request…for sex. Then pick a hook-up spot where you can rendezvous over your lunch hour. Another option: Surprise him in the shower before work, so you knock out sex in the A.M. before you’re both too tired later on. MORE: 9 Surprising Treatments For Low Libido The problem: You never talk about sex. You’ve been having sex for the last decade—but when was the last time you actually talked about it? “We are not taught to discuss sex,” says Pillai-Friedman. And even if you do have the sexual vocab, you may just feel awkward bringing up your likes and dislikes. “People don’t want to offend their partner. How can they say, ‘I don’t like that’ when their partner has been doing it for years?” Brandon says. Even when your feedback is positive, opening up about your encounters requires you to be verbally vulnerable. That’s tough to do. The solution: Turn sex talk into a game: Create a “pleasure wheel,” a circular chart divided up into slices. On each slice, write down a sexy activity that excites you, and have your partner do the same on his own wheel. “Sometimes people write ‘receiving sexy texts’ or ‘showering together,’ " says Pillai-Friedman. “It’s not just plain sex. It’s also romance and seduction.” Share your pleasure wheels with each other, pick an activity to try, and then afterward consider giving each other light-hearted performance reviews. “Ask, ‘What worked for you? What didn’t? What is one thing you really liked that I did this time?’ " says Lorraine. “You can make it fun and playful.” The problem: You don’t even fully undress during sex. Photo by Jupiter Images/Getty Images It’s one thing to keep your skirt on during a passionate quickie. It’s quite another to wear your bra or t-shirt during sex to avoid letting your partner see your body. “As women get older, many want to keep an item of clothing on to hide their stomach or stretch marks,” says Lorraine. “But I’ve talked to hundreds of men, and they don’t care about that stuff. They just care about seeing your body.” The solution: Steam things up in the shower. Not only will shower sex force you to strip down completely, but the water can also act as a protective veil, helping you feel less self-conscious about baring all. If you’d prefer to keep your encounters to the bedroom, invest in a few pieces of sheer lingerie. That way, your partner still gets an eyeful, but you feel a little more covered up than if you were totally nude, she says. The problem: You’ve stopped kissing each other. Making out may seem like it’s for high-school kids, but the truth is, kissing is one the most effective ways to foster closeness. “For some people, kissing feels more intimate than actual intercourse,” says Brandon. But in the race to seal the deal, it’s easy to forget the power of a good smooch session. “We forget that that connection is so important,” Lorraine says. “We don’t just need to get off—we need that soulful, intimate connection.” The solution: Make it a habit to plant one on your man every time you say goodbye. And when you go in for a peck, occasionally surprise him with an especially intense kiss—and take charge, so he knows exactly how you like to be kissed. “Use it as a teaching moment,” Brandon says. If you incorporate kissing into your daily interactions, it’ll come more naturally in the bedroom. The problem: Sex always happens in your bed. Photo by Henrik Sorensen/Getty Images Remember when you had sex in the kitchen? The car? Pretty much anywhere two people could feasibly do it? Chances are, if you’ve been committed for a while, those days are behind you, and sex only happens in the bedroom (and always in the bed itself). “Often because of children, couples feel like they can’t have sex in other places,” says Lorraine. A lack of planning is also to blame: You may only remember to do the deed when you crawl into bed at night. “Couples aren’t necessarily making enough time and really anticipating the sexual experience,” says Pillai-Friedman. The solution: Set aside one night a week for a sex date, and take turns coming up with creative places. “It could be the car, or it could just be another room in the house,” says Lorraine. “If the kids are home, it could be somewhere like the backyard if you’re really, really quiet about it.” Or if the idea of a sex date is daunting, try initiating the action somewhere besides your bedroom—for example, greet your hubby at the front door after work and make your move, or just cozy up to him in the bathroom as you brush your teeth together before bed, says Brandon. Even if you ultimately end up between the sheets, engaging in foreplay elsewhere makes your romp suddenly seem a lot more exciting. MORE: Can You Tighten Your Vagina—And 12 More Awkward Sex Questions, Answered
