Although Linda has been breast cancer-free since fall 2005, she still worries that her disease will return. Her anxiety about the future of her health and her steady stream of work deadlines nag her at bedtime. We asked Anne Coscarelli, PhD, director of the Ted Mann Family Resource Center at UCLA’s Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center, to offer Linda help. Reframe stress Linda continues to have a lot of appointments; each a 45-minute commute away. To make this time rejuvenating instead of stressful, Coscarelli suggests listening to audiobooks. When she arrives, she should have job-related materials to work on while she is waiting so she can use the time more productively. And before bed each night, Linda should play a relaxation CD. “This will help retrain her brain to cope with stress better,” Coscarelli says. Set boundaries When cancer-related worries come to mind, Linda should engage in positive self-talk, telling herself something like: This is a temporary period of stress. I have no reason to believe I’m not healthy. When a random ache or pain crops up, she could try: If this continues for X days, I will call my doctor and schedule a checkup. Until then, I will do my best to function as usual. (See how else self-affirmations can squash stress.) Embrace NO Linda is a classic “yes-woman.” She rarely refuses a tempting work assignment, even though she’s often overloaded, so she feels like she’s running from deadline to deadline. Linda should ask herself, Is this something I really want and need to take on? Will this mean I have too much work to do? Before agreeing to any new work. The results “I had no idea a 30-minute relaxation CD could do so much! From the first night on, the breathing and positive-thinking exercises simply made it easier for me to let go of my worries. I fell asleep faster and woke up less often throughout the night. I also started listening to audiobooks while commuting. I finally got to ‘read’ The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which I had long wanted to dive into. Actually accomplishing something while commuting felt great.” (Have your best commute yet with these tips.) Best advice “A few weeks ago, a sore arm had me scared that my cancer was back and spreading to my bones. Instead of getting carried away, I took Anne’s advice and told myself if the pain was still there after 3 days, I’d see a doctor. Because I had a plan, I no longer had this vague threat I needed to worry about. This has truly altered my approach to my health.” Toughest tip “The advice on saying no was the hardest. While I did ask myself, Is this a good idea? Before I said yes, I still said yes 99% of the time. I’m not a pushover; I just love what I do. That alone helped me rethink work as a blessing rather than a source of stress.” “At first I was concerned that this makeover would just be one more thing on my to-do list. I was wrong. I feel like these small steps have transformed my life.” –Linda More from Prevention: 30 Ways To Cancer-Proof Your Life [pagebreak]
“Doing it all wears me down”
Terri Slater, 49 “Between my husband’s erratic career and my nonstop work schedule, I couldn’t catch my breath. Now I have more support.” Since Terri’s husband left his steady job to go freelance, she’s become the primary breadwinner. Her 50-hour workweeks leave little time for anything else. We tapped Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty, to help Terri out. Enlist the troops Terri does most of the housework. She needs to ask her family to pick a minimum of two chores they each can do per week; then hang a list of everyone’s duties on the fridge. Ring in relaxation To keep her energy up, Terri should set an alarm to remind her to take a stroll (even just a quick one will help) at lunch and again at 3 pm. Offer unbiased help Terri feels tense about her husband’s search for work. She should volunteer her help, but assure him she’ll keep her negative opinions to herself. It will let her feel more involved. The results “I can’t believe the difference my twice-daily walks made. Once the alert sounded on my computer, I’d stop whatever I was knee-deep in and take the dog for a stroll. It got my blood flowing and cleared my head. I thought it would be hard to get back into the groove after these breaks, but I was actually more productive. Tina also suggested shaving a bit of time off my workday. I now can do my favorite yoga tape and get in 15 to 30 minutes of exercise before making dinner. It’s brilliant.” (You can also squeeze these quick exercises into your busy schedule.) Best advice “My family didn’t even blink when I asked for help. Before I knew it, I no longer had to worry about picking up dry cleaning, scrubbing the bathroom, or doing laundry. It was a major wake-up call: I do have support; I just had to ask for it.” Toughest tip “One of my biggest sources of stress—my husband’s unstable income—is still a struggle, but I feel like we’re on a better path. He even let me help him revamp his résumé, which made us both feel good.” (Tip: don’t get defensive, says science.) “Simply knowing my family was there for me made a world of difference. I felt so appreciated and respected.” –Terri [pagebreak]
“My mother really needs me”
Barbara Meltzer, 64 “I know I can’t eliminate the anxiety of caring for my 90-year-old mother, but I do feel better able to handle it.” By this time in her life, Barbara thought she’d be retired and relaxing. Instead, she’s running her own company and is the primary caregiver for her elderly mother. We asked Marion Somers, PhD, former manager of the Professional Geriatric Care Management Certificate Program at Hunter College’s Brookdale Center on Aging for advice. Delegate tasks Barbara should allow someone else, like a nurse’s aide, to take on at least three tasks a week for her mother. Also, she could reduce the length of her 4-days-a-week, 1- to 3-hour visits. With the time gained, she could do something fun. Set small goals To regain control of her unorganized home and high-stress job and feel less overwhelmed, Somers suggests Barbara set more manageable goals. So instead of thinking, I need to redo the bedroom, concentrate on organizing one corner on a Saturday afternoon. Start with calm Each morning, Barbara needs to earmark 15 minutes to do nothing but meditate, stretch, or take a brisk walk. If “me” time is the first priority of the day, it’s less likely to be pushed aside, Somers says. The results “Putting aside 15 minutes for myself had a huge impact. My before-breakfast walk really set the tone for the day. I focused on my surroundings and the fresh air—not on everyone else.” Best advice “I started carving out 15-minute blocks to tackle tasks, such as sorting through piles of papers. Little by little, my apartment, my office, and my life have become significantly less cluttered.” (Need help? See 20 Minutes To A Clutter-Free House.) Toughest tip “I can’t bear to let others take care of my mom. Although it means less free time, I actually feel less stressed in the long run if I’m there for her. But I did delegate more at work and was surprised how much more I could accomplish because of it.” “Letting go of my need to do everything at the office has been a revelation. I feel more relaxed and able to accomplish more things in my life.” –Barbara More from Prevention: 10 Things Every Caregiver Should Know [pagebreak]
“My husband doesn’t pitch in”
Leigh Devine, 43 “Confrontation stresses me out, but I finally learned to tell my husband how I really feel.” Leigh hasn’t been able to tell her husband that she’s unhappy with the imbalance of chores and responsibilities between them. We introduced Leigh to Darlene Mininni, PhD, author of The Emotional Toolkit, to help teach this married mom how good communication can beat stress. Confess money concerns Before her baby arrived, Leigh paid one-third of the bills while her husband handled two-thirds. Now that Leigh doesn’t have as much time to work, she’s not making as much money, so she can’t keep up. Having to dip into her savings to pay for expenses is stressing her out. “She needs to sit down with her husband to come up with a new financial plan—and she must be clear that the current setup no longer works for them,” Mininni says. Speak, don’t seethe Because husbands don’t have psychic powers, Leigh should spell out exactly what she needs—whether it’s help around the house, or an hour alone while he watches the baby—and how his lack of help makes her feel (i.e., overwhelmed, upset, worried). (Got chores? Here’s how to get your hubby to do his half.) Build a partnership They should plan at least one family event each week and put it on a communal calendar. At the same time, Leigh should give her husband a heads-up about a yoga class that she’d like to take regularly, put it on the calendar, and let him care for their daughter while she’s exercising. These small steps build trust and respect—and will create a stronger bond between the two of them. And writing events down in black-and-white means these activities are less likely to be pushed aside. The results “I thought keeping activities like dinner out with my husband on the calendar would help change him—but it turned out that it changed me, too. I realized that I do have some time in my life for the things I enjoy. We’re really trying to do things together more. My husband even arranged for child care during our recent vacation to Florida so we could spend some time reconnecting without having to worry about our daughter.” (Dining out? How to have a healthy, romantic dinner.) Best advice “When I started talking about our money situation, there were tears on my end. When I really started explaining my feelings, I think my husband finally began to understand how heavily our finances weigh on me. Although we didn’t finish our conversation with a concrete plan like I’d hoped, something struck a chord with my husband. He has been paying for more of our joint expenses. I feel that he really heard my money concerns.” Toughest tip “At first, I didn’t feel supported when I asked for more help with child care. I have to say, I was shocked by his original reaction. But once I started putting activities like my yoga class in ink—letting him know I was serious and he’d be watching the baby while I was gone—he began respecting my time a lot more.” “I keep my makeover tips at the ready on my computer so I can refer to them regularly. I feel so much more confident in my abilities and my marriage.” –Leigh More from Prevention: 7 Marriage Mistakes Even Smart Couples Make
