My challenge as a researcher is finding out how. How do we cultivate the courage to recognize that we are enough—that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy? What I found changed my life. As I interviewed the research participants and listened to their stories, I realized that they fell into two broad groups: those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging and those who struggle for it. What surprised me the most was the fact that only one variable separated the groups: belief in their worthiness. More from Prevention: The Crazy Reason You Need To Relax The men and women who described feeling lovable, who loved, and who experienced belonging simply believed that they were worthy of love and belonging. They didn’t have better or easier lives, they didn’t have fewer struggles with addiction or depression, and they hadn’t survived fewer traumas or bankruptcies or divorces. Instead, in the midst of all these struggles, they had developed practices that enabled them to hold on to the belief that they were worthy of love, belonging, and even joy. It became clear in the research that a strong belief in our worthiness doesn’t just happen. It’s not something we can check off our to-do lists. Worthiness is cultivated through a collection of daily choices—tough choices that require us to acknowledge and stare down those shame gremlins that are so ready to whisper, You’re not good enough or Who do you think you are? I call it wholehearted living because these people were living and loving with their whole hearts—they were all in. [pagebreak]I define “wholehearted living” as engaging in life from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging. One concept that participants talked about as a critical component of wholeheartedness was self-compassion. I confess that I did an internal eye-roll the first time I heard that term in an interview. What does “self-compassion” even mean? Now I get it. When I make a mistake or find myself in that What was I thinking? shame storm, I talk to myself like I’d talk to someone I love. That meant giving up I’m such an idiot! and trying It’s OK. You’re human. We make mistakes. Sometimes it still feels strange, but self-compassion is so important. Why would we talk to ourselves in a way in which we’d never consider talking to someone we care about and respect? Wholehearted men and women also choose rest and play over the cultural messages that exhaustion is a status symbol and our self-worth is measured by productivity These participants talked about slowing down, scheduling, and protecting white space on their calendars and having agenda-free fun. They talked about rest and play as nonnegotiable for their physical as well as emotional well-being. Before this research, I had convinced myself that every second of white space in my life—every tiny sliver of downtime—should be utilized. When I stopped at a traffic light, I’d think to myself, Quick! Check your e-mail. When I got in the car to drive to the bank, I strategically planned what calls I could make. I always used my time waiting in the car-pool lane to get stuff done. It takes courage to look at why we’re so crazy busy. Yes, there’s a lot to do, but it’s more than that. The hard answer—the courageous answer—is that most of us may stay really busy so the truth of our lives doesn’t catch up with us. We’re tired. We feel scared and uncertain. And we worry that slowing down will reveal white space that is unfamiliar to us, when, in fact, it’s from that very place that we get to own the love and joy in our lives. Living wholeheartedly takes courage. It means beginning that long walk from What will people think? to I am enough. This walk takes a special kind of daring—the courage that’s about showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and living and loving with our whole hearts. More from Prevention: Are You Living The Right Life? Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW, is a researcher at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and the author of the New York TimesDaring Greatly bestseller .
