“It’s a matter of shifting your thinking,” says Leslie Sokol, PhD, a cognitive psychologist at the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research and coauthor of Think Confident, Be Confident. “That may sound difficult, but it’s actually a simple matter of repetition. If you think something again and again—like, ‘I’m my first priority’—and shift your behavior to reinforce that thought, it becomes ingrained, replacing unwanted habits in the process.” We asked three women to try this behavior shift by identifying a problematic trait, then following our expert-devised plans for change. Here’s how it boosted their happiness—and what it could do for you. [pagebreak] The Old Me: Was Too Shy! LaNorma Huggins-Hopes, 44 Woodbridge, VA; married; jewelry boutique owner “I’m ultraconfident about the jewelry I design: It’s my passion, and i know I’m good at it. but that’s where my self-assurance ends. when it comes to mingling at networking events or meeting new people at a friend’s get-together, I feel out of my comfort zone. I want to be able to initiate a conversation instead of waiting for people to come to me, and actively promote myself rather than just handing over my business card. I’m tired of letting my jewelry speak for me; I want to learn to express myself in a way that’s as vibrant as my work!” The Empowerment Plan From expert Leslie Sokol, PhD: “LaNorma knows she’s skilled as an artist but fails to acknowledge the amazing things she has to offer as a person. I think her shyness stems from a lack of experience with being bold. Once she practices selfassurance on a daily basis, it will begin to feel natural.” Make “so what?” your mantra. “Shyness comes from a fear of rejection or failure. Yes, you might stumble on occasion, and not everyone will be interested in you or your jewelry, but you’re already a success, so who cares? Whenever you start to feel your self-doubts creeping in, ask yourself, So what? And move forward.” Say something daring every day. “To feel confident, you’ll have to act confident until it seems normal. with this in mind, every day, initiate a conversation with a stranger, solicit jewelry sales from a new client, or promote your work in person or on the phone. Don’t worry about sounding good; the goal isn’t to do it perfectly—t’s just to do it.” Shrug off mistakes. “Focusing on the outcome rather than the process leads to fear, which inhibits confidence. To gain courage, try at least two new pursuits (go rock climbing, take a new art class, etc.) in which you’re likely to make beginner’s mistakes. Giving yourself permission to screw up will make the experience more fun and confidence-boosting.” The New Me “Who knew it could be so easy to break out of my shell? After the month, I felt downright bold! I’ve done things I never would have before: mingling at parties, cohosting events, even striking up conversations with strangers! When I feel my old self-doubt creep in, I get through it with the ‘so what’ mantra. To my surprise, I love saying something daring every day. So far I’ve contacted a designer to ask if she’d feature my jewelry in a show (she said yes!) and invited other fashion professionals to be on my blog. I’ve finally realized fear was my worst enemy, and rejection is better than never trying at all. Now I’m able to appreciate my successes and see myself as I see my jewelry: beautiful, colorful, and unique.” SURPRISE BONUS: All-Natural Weight Loss “I realized if I was going to feel good about myself, I needed to take care of my health. I started walking my dog more and cut out pasta and rice. In under a month, I’ve lost 7 pounds!” [pagebreak] The Old Me: Was Too Negative! Mary K. Talbot, 47 Barrington, RI; married; mother of two boys, 5 and 8; PR consultant “I have a blessed life: wonderful children, a flexible career, and good health. Still, I tend to focus on the negative more than I should. Perhaps it’s because of the hardships I’ve encountered—my first child passed away 9 years ago, which naturally strained my marriage—but I’ve lost that ‘glass is half full’ feeling. This year, I started having digestive issues that my doctors can’t explain, and I believe my negativity has something to do with it. I want to be a more positive person whom people want to be around, and I’m willing to put the work in to change my attitude.” The Optimism Plan From expert Leslie Sokol, PhD: “The hardships Mary has dealt with have dampened her sense of optimism, but a few simple changes throughout her day will help her reshift her focus so she’s able to keep her eyes on life’s joys.” Practice mindfulness. “Chronic judgmental thoughts like I have to or I should have keep you from enjoying the current moment—which makes it hard to feel positive. when these thoughts strike, tell yourself, I’m here now, and use your senses to be fully in the present.” Take a “silly break.” “Print out a small monthly calendar. Your goal: Make two checkmarks daily—one for each time you were lighthearted, like humming, making a joke, or reading and acting out a character from one of your children’s books. Adding a little levity will improve both your mood and that of those around you.” Put yourself first. “Putting your needs behind those of others can make you feel overwhelmed, which breeds negativity. say no to requests or obligations at least twice a week. say yes to your own needs by exercising, eating well, and sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night (even if you have to make compromises to do it). Once you make your well-being a priority, you’ll feel better physically, which will help you maintain a positive attitude.” The New Me “It’s amazing that subtle changes made such a difference. My stomach problems have eased up, and I’m better able to handle tense situations. For example, I recently ran into a woman who’d started a rumor about me, but I tuned her out and focused on being present with my son—seeing his smile turned my hurt feelings into joy. Interestingly, the best tip was the most obvious: Start sleeping. Getting 7 or 8 hours has meant letting my house go a bit, but the improvement in my mood has been worth it. Plus, my kids love the new me! They recently got soaked in a water gun fight and asked if they could run around in their underwear. They were shocked when I said yes—but it’s so much easier to go with the flow.” SURPRISE BONUS: A Renewed Relationship “I’ve always loved being with my children, but I’m enjoying my husband’s company more now too. Letting go of the ‘have-to’s’ in life and learning to be in the moment has taken a lot of the stress out of our marriage.” [pagebreak] The Old Me: Was A Worrywart! Natalie Mines, 44 Long Island, NY; married; mother of two boys, 11 and 12; medical PR consultant “Over the past year, I’ve become more forgetful. for example, another mom called to ask if my son was coming to her son’s birthday party—which had started half an hour earlier! I’m always sending myself blackberry messages so I’ll remember important stuff. I went to a neurologist, and tests revealed that my brain was in great shape, but the doctor said anxiety was making me operate at a less-than-optimal level. Trouble is, I’ve got something going from the minute I get up until I crawl in bed. I’m always stressed, and I snap in conflicts. But if I take time for myself, it makes me more anxious because of everything that needs to get done. I want to be calmer–and set a stress-free example for my kids.” The Calming Plan From expert Bruce Rabin, MD, PhD, medical director of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center Healthy Lifestyle Program: “If your brain thinks it has to ‘go’ nonstop, it’ll shift into emergency mode and shut down anyway—that’s part of the reason stress leads to memory issues and exhaustion. To defuse her anxiety, Natalie needs to slow down and take care of herself.” Take a time-out. “Set aside a minimum of 10 minutes to do something relaxing—like a short walk or some simple stretches—by 1 pm every day. At least once a week, allow yourself to reach a deeper state of relaxation by doing a meditation [see opposite page].” Write it down. “Anxiety stems from negative thoughts, which we’re often not even aware of. To uncover and move past them, take 15 minutes once a week and write down what’s on your mind. Even if it conjures some negative emotions, it could fuel helpful revelations. When you’re done, rip the paper up—it’s symbolic and will help you be honest, knowing no one will see it.” Acknowledge your influence on your kids. “As Natalie sensed, when you’re tense, your children learn to mirror that behavior. Realizing this often leads to a breakthrough for moms, because even if you can’t make your own wellness a priority, you’ll do it for your kids.” The New Me “I still have stress (who doesn’t?), but now I have the tools to cope. I no longer snap in heated situations; instead, I calm down and deal. For example, my husband and I were having a tense conversation one night, but I defused it by saying, ‘Let’s talk tomorrow.’ We ended up finding a good resolution. The writing exercise was a watershed for me—I realized certain people were causing me anxiety, which gave me strength to say ‘Enough.’ Since I started meditating, my house is running smoother, my kids are happier, and I’m less scattered at work. And yes, my memory is much better. This program has given me a new calm and opened my eyes to so many opportunities for joy.” SURPRISE BONUS: New Appreciation for Home “For the meditation, you’re supposed to imagine a happy place. As I became calmer, that place turned into a sunny spot in my own backyard. I think that says so much about my state of mind.” Try Natalie’s Meditation Sit or lie down in a comfortable spot. Close your eyes and breathe deeply while relaxing your whole body. Imagine a perfect place where you feel safe. Then, for 10 minutes (set a timer so you don’t have to check your watch), focus on breathing in and out. When thoughts—good or bad—come into your head, acknowledge them, then let them go and return to your breathing. More from Prevention: The Best Meditation For Your Personality
