Most women’s lives are a whirlwind of work, appointments, kids, and housework. They barely have enough time to devote to feeding themselves let alone carry on courting rituals with their spouses. According to a survey sponsored by the K-Y Brand of 517 women ages 25-60, 81 percent of women said they let other activities take precedence over sexual intimacy in their lives. “The bottom line is that people are just not prioritizing,” says renowned relationship expert and marriage counselor Michele Weiner-Davis. Romance, she says, is something that needs to be cultivated and nurtured—it is not something that just happens on its own.
Cutting romance short
Weiner-Davis cites kids as being a major reason for the romantic disconnect that may exist between a couple, “As a culture, we have become very child-focused and parents feel like they need to spend all their free time with their kids,” she explains, “but parents should spend time with one another fortheir kids. If they don’t spend time with one another, they’re not bonding or building [on their] friendship.” As a practicing marriage counselor since the 1980s, Weiner-Davis often comes into contact with couples that are struggling to figure out the reason their relationship is failing. She is often able to cut to the root of the problem by asking one simple question: “When was the last time you went on a date?” “[A lot of times] they look at each other and say ‘I don’t know,’ or talk about the last baseball game they took little Steven to,” explains Weiner-Davis. “They are just not recognizing that romantic time with one another is what a relationship should be about—it should not just be the icing on the cake.” She almost always recommends that couples start instituting a one-on-one “date night” to allow spouses the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company…without any distractions. Says Weiner-Davis, “I encourage couples, regardless of their feelings, to spend more time and catch up on each other’s lives. They are surprised the impact it has on their lives and what they were missing. I think it’s a lot more powerful than what we can talk about in therapy."[pagebreak]
No need for glitz and glamour
But how do you set aside “alone time” with your spouse if a) you have children, b) you have no time, or c) you don’t have much money to spend? Sure, dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by front row theater seats would be a fantastic treat, but don’t be under the impression you need to plan an extravagant evening in order to have a good time. Here are some simple strategies Weiner-Davis suggests trying with your mate:
Every Saturday, get the kids to bed an hour earlier than you usually do. You and your partner can spend the extra 60 minutes to check in with one another.
If you think you can’t afford a babysitter, think again. Try tapping resources you may not have thought of, like your religious center or family members. See if another couple would be willing to watch your children one week, and then the next week you watch theirs.
Take a long walk in the local park, or just around the neighborhood.
Visit a coffee shop with overstuffed chairs where the two of you can sit and talk as you sip on some delicious java.
Go out and purchase a board game or puzzle neither of you has done before, then attempt to figure it out together.
How often you schedule these “date nights” is up to you and your lifestyle. Some couples manage to go on a date once a week, others can only manage once every two weeks, and even others can only swing once a month. Don’t focus about the quantity of times you go out, focus on the quality. The most important part of maintaining a loving, satisfying relationship is making the effort to reconnect with your partner.
The little things add up
Weiner-Davis says not to limit yourself to designated “date nights” to be romantic. Remember to keep a playful spirit alive with your partner every day. Flirt with each other, call each other by pet names, or compliment one another on a daily basis. Use e-mails and cell phones for other purposes than finding out who’s going to pick up the kids from school. Imagine that your spouse is someone you have just started dating, and then express your love and excitement for them any way that suits you. By trying these tips, you’ll see how easily the feelings of romance can be triggered for you and your spouse. And with any luck, every night will be “date night”! More from Prevention: 10 New Tips For Sizzling Sex
