Frosted Blue Raspberry Pop Tarts Let’s get something out of the way really quickly: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NEON BLUE RASPBERRY. If you found a neon blue raspberry growing in the wild, you’d run away or throw it in a ditch or take it to NASA because that is some radioactive alien sh*t right there. But would you eat it? Hell. No. That’s why I can’t understand the latest Pop Tarts flavor, piped full of gummy electric-blue goop with “natural and artificial flavors” and 16 g of sugar per pastry. WHAT DID RED RASPBERRIES EVER DO TO YOU, POP TARTS?! Cheeseburger Pringles Guess who’s clinging to the food truck trend like a bloodsucking leech? That’s right: Pringles, everyone’s favorite mostly-potato chip. Cheeseburger is part of the company’s new series of food truck–inspired flavors, and it’s perfect for anyone who’d rather eat 34-ingredient cheeseburger-flavored chips instead of just…eating a cheeseburger. MORE: Seven Foods That Aren’t Exactly Food Combos 7 Layer Dip I don’t know about you, but I honestly do not want to know what ungodly things went down in order to stuff seven layers’ worth of “tangy fiesta flavor” into a one-inch long Combo. The company doesn’t list ingredients on its website, but this junk food blogger posted a photo of the packaging, and—no surprise here—the snacks are made with partially hydrogenated oils. Cap’n Crunch’s Sprinkled Donut Crunch The entire concept of breakfast is weakened by the fact that you can now start your day with a bowl full of small doughnuts. Oops—I mean a bowl full of sweeteners, corn flour, and artificial food dyes. Each sad little serving comes with 13 g of sugar, 1 g of protein, and less than 1 g of fiber. It’s essentially the nutritional equivalent of swallowing three teaspoons of table sugar. Fiber One 90 Calorie Cinnamon Coffee Cake You can’t fault Fiber One for trying to make food that’s “healthy” and “delicious” at the same time. But this is a packaged-food matrimony I can’t support. Cake and fiber are about as compatible as orange juice and brushing your teeth. Take a peek at the ingredients list: You’ll find a bunch of refined flours, sugars, and oils—just like normal cake—and then a crapload of added fiber in the form of chicory root extract. Why force such an awkward, unnatural couple into the same foil wrapper? MORE: 50 Peculiar-Sounding Fake Ingredients Restaurants Put in Your Food Cheetos Crunchy Flamin’ Hot Cheese Flavored Snacks & Doritos Dinamita Chile Limón Flavored Rolled Tortilla ChipsHere are two golden rules of grocery shopping:1. Don’t buy products with names as long as tweets.2. The more flames, explosions, and XTREME fonts you see on a package, the faster you should run away. Hungry-Man Chiptole BBQ Boneless Chicken Wyngz Oh, Hungry-Man. Where to begin? The tragically unhip spelling of “wings”? The fact that you don’t list nutrition facts or ingredients on your website? Good thing a few other sites are calling you out: According to one source, this frozen atrocity meal has 110 g of sugar—more sweetness than you get in an ENTIRE pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I guess that’s what it means to “Eat Like a Man.” Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Vanilla Flavored Frosting Okay, little Dough Boy. So you’re basically doling out vats of trans fat (partially hydrogenated oils are the second ingredient—after sugar, of course). We’ve come to grips with this. But couldn’t you at least throw us a bone with some real vanilla flavor? Apparently not, since “artificial flavors” round out the disappointing ingredients list. Also included: Artificial food dyes Yellow 5 and Red 40, despite the fact that this product is white. But keep on adding in those fake colors, Dough Boy. I’m sure they’re absolutely necessary.
