Kefir “Kefir—sounds like reefer. Is this gonna make me fail a drug test?” –Zack Brabaw, 25, Miami, TX Sardines “This tastes like cat food.” [Pause] “Yep, it feels like I’m eating Fancy Feast.  If this gives me food poisoning like those oysters did, I’m going to kill you.” –Mike, 33, Brooklyn, NY 90% Dark Chocolate “It feels like I’m chewing on some dirt. But kinda dry dirt, like, it-rained-yesterday dirt. Or, like, it’s early in the morning and there’s a little bit of dew on the dirt—but only a little bit.” –Bobby, 23, New York, NY Kombucha  “The taste wasn’t nearly as bad as the smell. But I won’t drink it again, unless I’m desperate. I don’t need to be that healthy.” –Evan, 27, Doylestown, PA MORE: Kombucha Beer: The New Craft Drink? Kohlrabi “What the f*ck is that? Which part of it do I eat? It’s like a combination of an onion and bok choy. Am I too good for this experiment because I know bok choy?” [Takes a bite.] “It’s not a potato. It has a little more flavor than a potato maybe, but I don’t know what the flavor is. Vegetable?” –Jimmy, 29, New York, NY Kabocha Sqaush “It scares me.” –Ben, 28, New York, NY Unsweetened Almond Milk [Sips, frowns, coughs] “Woah. That’s so weird. It has, like, this afterglow—which I don’t like at all, for the record. It’s what I imagine those really dirty looking puddles on the corner of the street would taste like. It’s like puddle water.” –Bobby, 23, New York, NY MORE: Coconut Water is Lame: Five New Drinks That Are Way Healthier Cricket Protein Bar “As I was eating it, I was just like, why am I eating coffee? This tastes like cold coffee. I tried to finish it, but I just didn’t want to. You can’t even taste the crickets or anything.” –Nick, 25, New York, NY MORE: The Unbelievable Way Dried Crickets are Turning Up in Your Food Artichoke Water “Number one, it’s frothy. Nothing should be frothy.” [Sips] “OK, it wasn’t as disgusting as I expected, but it’s not good. It tastes like weak toothpaste. There’s no possible need for artichoke water. Artichokes? Good. Water? Good. Combining the two? No.” –Brian, 40, Zionsville, PA Kale Smoothie  “Oh, it’s good! I can definitely taste kale. I didn’t realize kale had so much flavor, but it’s definitely the dominant flavor I’m tasting. Right, does kale have flavor?” –Kyle, 27, Syracuse, NY MORE: Dessert in a Blender: The Kale Smoothie that Doesn’t Taste Like Salad Matcha “Light, peaceful, refreshing, soothing.” [Pause] “Oh, the taste? That’s tough. Nothing really comes to mind. But it doesn’t taste like piss! Probably contains a lot of healthy shit that can only help you.” –Matt, 27, Brooklyn, NY MORE: The Ten Best Ways to Use Matcha Tea Seconds later … regarding jicama: “What’s this? Tofu?” “No, it’s jicama, a root vegetable.” “Hiccup?” –Matt